Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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