I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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