accomplished twins. life is a go
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
