I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
