I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize