It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
