I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
