So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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