I bet he comes in French.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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