I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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