Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
there is puke in my bra ... again
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