upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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