I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Vodka?
Forever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
