i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
