I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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