end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Your dad touched me again.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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