When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize