He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
