i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
