Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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