dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
