When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
