Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
