i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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