i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
