Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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