i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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