In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
