Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
