After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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