so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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