Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
