Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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