I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
