My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize