At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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