She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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