I accidentally burped into my bong.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
