he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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