Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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