You can't special order awesome
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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