sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
