I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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