New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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