I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
