i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
