my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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