So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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