I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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