I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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