remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
