I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize