he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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