so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
