she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
