he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
