There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
