I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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